I Can Only Imagine Page 12
Shannon’s Side of the Story
“That Christmas I was a senior in college. I knew in my heart the guy I was dating was not right for me. He wasn’t seeking the Lord. I even asked him to quote John 3:16, and he didn’t know it. I wasn’t trying to judge him; I just realized he was not going to be able to lead me spiritually in the way God wanted—and I wanted. So, while I felt really bad about handling it this way, I broke up with him on the phone over Christmas break. I had made up my mind and didn’t want to have to dread going back to school, knowing I would be ending it right at the start of the spring semester. I wanted us both to have the space between semesters and go back in January with a fresh start.
“Bart had come home for Christmas, too, and we started hanging out again every day before the wedding. He ended up breaking up with his girlfriend around the same time I did with my boyfriend. We spent a lot of time with each other that week. Then, at the wedding, something happened. After that, we started dating again. The Lord gave me obvious signs of confirmation. There was just peace.
“Bart and I connected so easily and naturally. It wasn’t work at all—just a new dimension to our long-term friendship. Our relationship really felt like home.”
You Know Me
One day not long after we had started praying for God’s guidance, I read Psalm 139:
You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely. (vv. 1–4)
I thought of how Shannon had been so present throughout my life, how well she knew me. Really knew me. God knew everything about me, and I felt His intention was for Shannon and me to be together. There was always a sacredness and purity about my relationship with her, even in the midst of all the craziness of my life.
I called Shannon and told her I needed to see her. She told me there was something she wanted to share with me too. When we got together that evening, I—Southern gentleman that I am—insisted, “You go first.”
Shannon’s Side of the Story
“Rebecca St. James, a popular Christian singer at the time, had a song called ‘Psalm 139.’ The words from the passage really moved me, and I wanted to play the song for Bart. But he said he had something to read to me. I could see he had his Bible opened to Psalms as I played him the song and told him the story. Then he showed me what he was going to read me. God had brought us to the same scripture! I thought, I’ve known since I was thirteen, and this is it.”
When Shannon was done, I was in shock. I told her I had the same experience reading that exact Scripture passage.
The Holy Spirit used His Word to tell us He created us for each other from the very beginning and then orchestrated our individual circumstances so we could now be together. Talk about a handwritten message from God Himself!
But You Surpass Them All
When someone asks me to describe Shannon, the first words that come to mind are innocent, forgiving, kind, encouraging, intelligent, and just plain awesome. She has always been the sweetest person I have ever known. She has no hidden agenda and no ulterior motives behind her love and care for people.
Everything about Shannon was better than me. People jokingly say about their significant others, “She’s my better half,” but I can tell you that, for me, it is completely and absolutely true.
I had always found something about every girl I dated that would drive me crazy, some personality trait or quirk that I couldn’t stand. That wasn’t true with Shannon.
There were so many times when the other girls would say or do something and I would think, Shannon would never say that or Shannon would never do that.
I could find flaws in everyone in my life—except Shannon. Of course I know she does have flaws, but I was so in love with her that I did not care. I wasn’t focused on negatives but rather on who she was—and who I was when I was with her.
Shannon makes me a better Bart. No question.
Return Engagement
By January 1997, we had realized what God already knew: we were meant to be together. Two months later, in March, the band was booked to play at a student event in Glorieta, New Mexico, at the same camp where Shannon and I first started to hang out. She was going to be on her spring break, so she asked about going with us. Of course, I agreed. Then I realized I would be able to take her back to the same tree where we had our first kiss. That gave me an idea.
Just as I had on that summer night all those years ago, I asked her to take a walk with me, and I led her to our tree. I stopped under the overhanging branches, got down on one knee, took out the engagement ring, and asked her to marry me.
She said yes! (You weren’t surprised, were you?)
She was graduating from college in May, and we wanted to plan the wedding to happen as soon as possible after she got her diploma. Shannon’s parents had gotten married on Saturday, November 8—and in 1997, the date was also on a Saturday. Perfect! We thought it was such a great legacy for us to follow in the footsteps of her mom and dad.
On the Road Again
When the band had moved from Nashville back to the Dallas area, I had moved to Arlington, a part of the Dallas–Fort Worth metroplex. After our wedding and honeymoon, Shannon and I lived there to be centrally located but still near our families in Greenville, about seventy-five miles away. Although Shannon had her degree in psychology and counseling, for three months she worked a full-time office job at the University of Texas at Arlington so we could make ends meet. I was on the road constantly, and we didn’t see each other nearly enough, especially for newlyweds.
One day when we were talking about the frustration of being apart so much, I reached my limit and blurted, “Just quit and come on the road with me.”
Shannon’s mouth dropped open and all she could manage was, “What?”
Always the solid, conservative, responsible one in this union, she started giving me ninety-nine reasons why that wouldn’t work, with most of them having to do with money.
But I insisted. “The money will come . . . somehow. We’ll trust God for what we need.”
Mustering up her faith, Shannon put in her notice at the university, and we hit the road together.
Shannon’s Side of the Story
“Quitting my job and going on the road with Bart was a decision that ran opposite of the way I was raised. But we did it for our marriage.
“I started traveling with four guys and my husband in a stripped-down bus with no air conditioning and no heat. And we traveled all over the country, in all four seasons. Some mornings when I woke up on the twin mattresses where we all slept, I would find myself nose-to-nose with Jim or Mike instead of Bart. When I say we were all close, I mean literally.
“But with all the inconveniences, especially for a girl, I thought this life was awesome. I loved it! Growing up, my family wasn’t able to go on very many vacations or trips, so this was heaven to me. I was getting to see the world, and I was absolutely fine hanging out with guys all the time. There was never any drama. There was constant fun. We were always laughing. I never, ever complained.”
In my humble opinion, while Shannon has always been an optimist, I do remember some drama and a little complaining from time to time during those years on the road. Here are a couple of memorable stories from those days.
One winter we were given a small propane heater to use on the bus. Early one morning we stopped to eat breakfast at a diner. Shannon was still asleep, and we didn’t want to wake her, so we left her on the bus alone. (You’re saying “Uh, oh” again, aren’t you?) On the way out the door, we decided to start up the heater to keep her warm.
While we were feeding our faces inside, the bus filled up with smoke. By the grace of God, Shannon woke up, bolted out of the bus, and came running to
me. With tears in her eyes, she said she wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep living like “one of the guys.” The good news is, thanks to her smoke-filled experience, we realized the time had come to get a nicer bus—one with carpet, seats, and even heat!
On another run, we had to drive across the country—from Washington, DC, to California. We had to be in Los Angeles by a specific time. But Shannon hadn’t seen the Grand Canyon before, so we checked the map and saw that we could route the trip through that part of Arizona and still make it to LA on time. When we got to the canyon, we slipped the transmission into neutral, stuck our heads out the windows, took a few quick pictures, and then kept on going. (Cue Willie Nelson’s theme song.) If there’s a world record for shortest visit to the Grand Canyon, surely our four-second drive-by would beat it! Technically, Shannon got to see the Grand Canyon, but sadly there was no time to stop and take in the majestic view.
I will always be thankful for God’s infinite grace and mercy that allowed me the privilege of marrying my childhood sweetheart. After the horrible abuse I had experienced in my life, after Dad’s cancer and death, after dreams dying and being reborn, I thank and praise Him for truly saving the best for last and allowing me the blessing of walking through life with my best friend.
O LORD, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, LORD.
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand! (Psalm 139:1–6 NLT)
Nine
EVERYTHING IMPOSSIBLE
I was taught to be practical in everything I do,
Holding on to what is tangible,
And then came You,
That’s when I found myself so far away, from
everything I knew.
—MERCYME, “EVERYTHING IMPOSSIBLE,” FROM UNDONE (2004)*
I was now a married man, making music on the road, traveling with my new bride and my band buddies. There’s a scene in I Can Only Imagine where the guys ask if we are still a band, and I answer, “No. We’re a family.” That was the absolute truth for me back then, and it still is today.
Dad had died seven years earlier. From the moment Mammaw Millard said to me as we were driving away from the graveside, “I can only imagine what Bub must be seeing right now,” I had not been able to get those first four words, that phrase, out of my mind. “I can only imagine” frequently popped into my head whenever I thought about the awe and wonders of heaven and seeing Jesus for the first time.
I doodled those words on everything. The concept consumed me. Whether I was sitting in a meeting with Rusty talking about student ministry, on the road with the band and on the phone with Shannon, or sitting in a church service with my journal—if I had a pen and paper in my hand, I scribbled down that phrase.
A Lifetime in Ten Minutes
When we moved back to Texas, MercyMe was gaining momentum as a band but still working independent of any record label, manager, or agency, just as we had from the start. As we had vowed, we stayed completely out of the Christian music industry altogether. We worked hard to stay in God’s will—and to pay the bills. We traveled full-time, playing churches and conferences every weekend, and our summers were filled with leading worship at weeklong youth camps. After that showcase night in Nashville, our concerts focused heavily on praise and worship but with a rock and pop sound.
We had recorded Traces of Rain in 1996, right before we left Oklahoma for Nashville, and then—just when you thought it couldn’t get any better or wetter—released Traces of Rain, Volume II in 1997, having recorded that project right after we moved from Nashville to Dallas. Both of those projects were our versions of other people’s popular worship songs—covers, as they are called. Even in my high school years, I knew I wanted to be involved with guys who, together, would create and play original music. As a band, we were so ready to write and record our own music because our goal was to lead people into God’s presence using songs we had written.
We wanted to cut our next record—our fifth independent release—as soon as possible. We decided to call it The Worship Project, and it would turn out to be the game changer for us.
Late one night we were on the bus, headed back home to Texas after leading worship at a student conference all weekend. The next morning we were going to begin one final day of recording, but we still wanted one more song for the project. I told the guys I wanted to work on some lyrics, so they agreed to let me skip my driving shift to write, which was a big deal. Taking your designated shift was mandatory.
Looking for a clean page, I thumbed through the journal where I wrote down new ideas. I kept coming across where I had written “I can only imagine.” It was everywhere. I hadn’t realized how much I had jotted down those words.
In that moment, I finally saw the phrase so clearly. As in my moment of realization with Shannon, the words had been there all along, right in front of me.
Now the timing—God’s timing—was right for this new song to be born.
I found a brand-new page and grabbed a pen. As fast as I could write, the words came.
I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk, by Your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When Your face is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus
Or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence
Or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah
Will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine when that day comes
When I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I would do is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine†
I wrote the lyrics just like that, the very first time, as they were on the original recording, as they still are today. No tweaks. No changes.
That was the only time in my history of writing that I’ve written a song, start to finish, in ten minutes. I’ve heard such stories from my musical heroes, but it had never come close to happening to me—until that moment.
After I read over the lyrics, I felt the song was right just as it was, which is not at all the norm for me, or for most songwriters I know. I was pumped.
It was now very late at night, or better said, really early in the morning. There’s always been something cool about creating art, just God and me, in the stillness, when the rest of the world is fast asleep. That’s when I usually do my best work.
Shannon was asleep among the guys sprawled out on the mattresses. I quietly woke her up, handed her the journal where I had scribbled out the lyrics, and asked her to read them.
Bleary-eyed, she sat up. I watched her slowly scan down the page.
I don’t recall exactly what she said, but her middle-of-the-night, sleepyhead response was not the over-the-top excitement I expected to receive.
Honestly, I was a bit bummed that she didn’t show more enthusiasm. I suggested she just go back to sleep, which she gladly did. I, on the other hand, was so excited that I couldn’t sleep the rest of the night. (Shannon responded much better when she read them again the next morning, when she was wide awake.)
Shannon’s Side of the Story
“Bart woke me up in the middle of the night and told me he wanted me
to look at a new song he had just written. I could tell he was excited. But waking me up to read song lyrics wasn’t that unusual for Bart. I scanned down the page at the very moving words. When I got to the end, I knew the significance of the song right away. I told him I thought it was really special.
“Now, when you wake a girl up in the middle of the night, expecting some amazing response from her just isn’t very fair. Give me another shot in the morning after a cup of coffee and things will be different, I promise! Which is exactly what happened. But, regardless, I will always fondly recall that memory when ‘Imagine’ was born as a spiritually magical moment in our lives.”
From Pen to Production
When we arrived in Texas, we went straight to our makeshift studio in a Sunday school room at the church in Greenville. We had only one more day in the room before we had to clear out our gear. So as soon as we got all the equipment up and running, I showed the guys the lyrics and my idea for the melody, and we started working out the music and arrangement.
When the band jumped into the mix, it quickly became a fast rock song. That concept wasn’t at all what was in my head, so I got frustrated.
“Hey, guys, let’s just forget this for now,” I said. “We’ll work on it another time.” The lyrics were so special to me, and in my super-protective state, I felt marrying them to the perfect melody was really crucial.
After a while we started breaking down our gear and packing up. Jim was still sitting at the piano, and I heard him randomly play three notes in sequence. I walked over to him and said, “Play those notes you just played again.”
“You mean this?” he asked, repeating them on the keyboard.
Excitedly, I said, “That’s it!” Those ended up being the first three notes you hear in the intro to the song. The melody started coming together, and I asked the guys to get their gear back out.